A cloud of disbelief hangs over me as I write this post. The cloud has been gathering all year. Slowly building and deepening in its hues of grey.
I look back over this year in surreal disbelief. The moments that took place ten months ago feel like they happened ten years ago. Feel like they never happened at all.
It is difficult to find gratitude in the grey. Impossible to see with any clarity. So instead I close my eyes and in the darkness hope to find my way.
Part of me does not want to tempt the Universe and ask what next year holds. Another part of me desperately wants to know. What lessons does next year hold? What choices will I live through? What events will twist and shape next year’s words?
There was a moment when I was not going to write this post. Happy to spend my afternoons napping on the couch, while the boys played around me, ignoring my words or my commitment to this blog. There was a moment when I was happy to forget the year and let it pass without any acknowledgment.
But there have been good things. Many good things amongst the grey. Good things that will always matter above anything else. This space, these words, the people who have gathered all year to listen and read – perhaps that has been one of the best things.
What does next year hold? Neither one of us can answer that question completely. But I know in my family there are celebrations already being planned, there are holidays waiting to be taken, and words to write, so many words to write.
Strange as it may seem, many nights this year I have fallen asleep in the arms of the angels. The only place where I could find solace and peace.
As the festive season unwinds and a new year dawns I wish you the solace and peace of the angels. The angels you believe in and turn to, as well as the angels you do not even know are there who guide your life and light.
So as this year ends and this post comes to a close I will leave you with some of the words that woke me from my sleep one night, words I woke up to write down in the notebook that lies beside my bed.
These are the choices we make. These are the words we write. These are the lives we live.
We are the words we use to define our circumstance.
What words will you write as the new year unfolds?