Conversations over Coffee

Conversations with Disappointment

If there was one thing she knew about herself, with absolute certainty, it was that disappointment marked the end.

Not the end of all things. Not the end of family holidays in the sun. Not the end of babies becoming toddlers becoming little boys. Not the end of great loves lived to their fullest.

Disappointment marked the end of some friendships she once cherished. People she once kept in her inner circle. Priorities that once defined her.

The cycle she went through was not one she sought to change. She accepted, embraced it even, as a pillar she could lean against and know that she wouldn’t be let down. The pillar would hold her up, keep her from slumping to the ground in a despair out of her control.

Anger was easy. Anger she thrived on. When things would turn upside down, anger was an out, a resolution, a way to fix it. Work through the anger she would say to herself. Thrash it out. Move out of the way so it could explode at the surface and leave calm in its wake.

For her, friendships could work after anger. She found forgiveness and peace after anger. But not disappointment. Sometimes when the anger passed disappointment lay in its wake. Staring at her, almost as if they were both dumbfounded to be there.

Disappointment did not negate love and it did not negate hate. Disappointment simply closed the door behind her. Turned the lock. Safely tucked away the key into her pocket as she walked away.

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Few things in her life live in the box of disappointment. Thankfully, very few. But the ones that do mark a chapter that is not only closed. Wax sealed around the edges keeps her from ever opening those chapters again.

A small hope flickers, dim, feint and distant, that one day a new chapter may start for that friendship, that person, a new moment. But the old chapters will always collect dust on the shelf of her life, purposefully kept out of reach.

A certain melancholy hums as she thinks about those books on that shelf. The disappointment feels lighter and lighter as time passes. The realisation that they did not mark something broken or destroyed, but merely something she did not need anymore. Perhaps that was what made the parting easier. Knowing she was better off this way.

Each time disappointment taught her a new lesson. The lesson of accepting fault. The lesson of not shifting blame. The lesson of forgiving herself. Sometimes the lessons were new. Often the lessons were the same. New parables spoken in different ways.

She had a symbiosis with disappointment that she did not seek to change. She knew that disappointment would always be her companion. A co-author to some of the stories she would write. Some of the stories she would end. Some of the stories that had not even started yet.

What is your relationship with Disappointment?

 

Conversations over Coffee returns Tuesday August 30, 2016
Conversations with the Wedding Dress ~ everyone is welcome xx

Linking up with #IBOT
Catch up on my last blog post One Word

 


  • LydiaCLee

    Lovely post. I like the idea of it being in a box out of reach. I found this prompt quite difficult. I started about three times and kept discarding it. Not entirely happy with my post (you could say I’m a little disappointed with it ;). Wedding dress, eh? Better get thinking….

  • It’s a hard thing, to feel let down, especially by friends. But you can find your way back from it.

    • I don’t know if I want to find my way back from some of these friendships, sometimes forward is the only way we can allow ourselves to go xx

  • Oh Josefa, I love the idea that those friendships aren’t broken, just simply not needed anymore. I carry guilt from friendships no longer there due to constant disappointment, and also the attached guilt for not trying to maintain something, as you say, no longer wanted. Lovely post.

  • Natalie @ Our Parallel Connect

    This has made me sad and I think of some friendship that I have either lost or they have altered forever.

    • I don’t write it with sadness, but perhaps with a hint of acceptance. Some friendships in our lives are not meant to be forever xx

  • A while ago I wrote about how I let a bunch of friendships go – and didn’t know why it was so easy. This really also explains how I was – they were just of the past, not of the now. There is some mourning, but it’s not real anger or sadness. It just is.

    • It is just that – just is. I like the idea of the friendships not being part of the now xx

  • Helen King

    I like the way you’ve explained it – yes, I still have a couple of chapters that need to be closed. It’s time.

    • When it’s time, it’s time. Close the chapter, others are waiting to be written xx

  • Beautifully written! I have been rather familiar with disappointment in the last 10 years, but treat it now as a friend that shows me the light. In my experience it’s not always been a bad thing, though always feels that way at first.

    • Oh I do love the idea of a friend that shows you the light, I like it very much, thank you for sharing that xx

  • Oh beautiful Josefa. And I think it’s important to have experienced disappointments. I sometimes feel despondent about my single-ness and lack of children… but the same disappointment means I’ve had to do other things I might not have usually done and experiences I might not have otherwise had.

    • Swings and roundabouts, happiness is not one size fits all and I think we sometimes can forget that xx

  • Oh Josefa, I just want to give you a hug. Dissapointment is something I don’t enjoy experiencing but it’s a given with life isn’t it? Such a beautifully written post. I hope you and your friend can find your way back. xx

  • Disappointment is a beast and a teacher as well. It’s such a flat feeling. Beautiful written as always.

    • Oh I LOVE the beast and the teacher! Thank you for sharing that comment, has set my mind thinking xx

  • Ah disappointment. We don’t have a great relationship. But I love how you have described dealing with it. Accept, learn, move on. As for friendships, I have grieved for the loss of some friendships and that will stay with me forever. Hugs Josefa xxx

    • Accept, learn, move on – repeat? I think we can get stuck on so many, the end of a friendship shouldn’t be one of them xx

  • Beautiful post. Disappointment and I were in bed together for a long time, I accepted a lot less than I deserved, particularly in the friend and relationship zones. Thankfully, it is not in my life much anymore.

  • Beautiful writing, as always. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve lost a lot of friendships that I’ve loved and that’s brought a lot of disappointment, but it’s also brought a lot of love, learning and new friends. It’s true what they say, you do live and learn but that doesn’t always make the disappointment any easier to bear. Hugs for you x

    • I agree, I don’t think the disappointment becomes any easier to bear, but perhaps we can get better and not letting it longer longer than it needs to xx

  • One of the failed friendships I’ve had is a result of disappointment. Yes, there was anger, but there was disappointment in the way I was treated and the way the other person viewed the friendship. I don’t think I ever thought about it that way before, but you’ve got me thinking now and I can see disappointment was a key player. Beautiful beautiful words as per usual. I’m sorry I forgot about conversations. I need more reminders for forgetful mind x

    • I think disappointment can be a key player in so many things we don’t realise…. Convo Wedding Dress is next Renee – better get thinking 🙂

  • Beautiful piece. Disappointment is a hard one for me, too high expectations lead to disappointment but that is on me rather than the other person xx

    • I once thought disappointment only came from expectations that were too high, but I have recently learnt that sometimes reasonable, human loving expectations can lead to disappointment – a disappointment that can be even harder to bear xx

  • TeganMC

    I can relate a lot with this post. The disappointment is often turned inward too, as I tell myself that I should (I’m trying really hard to remove that word from my vocabulary) have known better.

    • Oh Tegan, you always give me food for thought – I love the idea of our own inner vocabulary – thank you xx

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