If I sit still for long enough, I can feel my mind start to let go. Let go of the heaviness of a year that has pulled, tugged and dragged me through waters of uncertainty and doubt.
When I cast thought to this post, I instantly titled it “Weathering the Storm.” I had a clear image of the photographs that I would take and the words that I would write.
So many things have transpired this year, so many things that right now I still have not found the right words to describe. Life struck battle against my family this year, in ways that have been unrelenting and still have not passed. The turmoil and doubt has rendered me quiet. Silent. I have felt lost in a sea of insecurity. In every essence, as the months of this year have passed, I have felt like I have been weathering the storm.
Yet, just when I felt certain about what I would write, something happened. Last week, on a day when my mind was heavy with thoughts of people I love, being in places and situations that I could not control, something so small happened.
I was in and out of the house all day. Drop offs, pickups, shopping and school runs. Each time I came up the drive way and back into my house, a tiny little butterfly kept hovering near the garage door. The butterfly was insistent. It kept clinging to the door, kept fluttering and fussing as if it wanted to come inside. The butterfly was annoying and a distraction in my overcast day.
The day became busier and the butterfly was forgotten. Late that night, I had woken from falling asleep on PJ’s bed, while reading his bedtime story. I came down the stairs to switch off the Christmas lights. Half way down the stairs, gently fluttering in front of me, was the butterfly.
My heart melted.
I don’t know why. It seemed that this little creature was determined to show me something. Determined to come inside and be closer to me. In that moment, I let go of the day and gave in to the butterfly.
Curious, I consulted Google late in the night to entertain the idea of what this butterfly could mean. In the darkness, with only the dim light of the computer screen I read.
Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation. Herein lies the deepest symbolic lesson of the butterfly. She asks us to accept the changes in our lives as casually as she does. The butterfly unquestioningly embraces the chances of her environment and her body.
The words were not profound. They were not poetic. They may not even be true. But they resonated. Instantly. It felt like the butterfly came into my house for me to realise something. Realise that I cannot hold on so tight. Holding on so tightly to life, its consequences and the path it takes, has left me breathless.
The year that is almost over has taught me many lessons. The most important lesson has not been how to weather the storm. The most important lesson that I have learnt this year is that – nothing is what it seems.
My words are my new life. But even new things need to take respite. My blog will have new posts again in the New Year. Till then I will be chasing butterflies with my boys, in the sun, with the waves crashing on the shore. I can smell the salty water and feel the warmth of that sun already.
No eloquence of words can do justice to the gratitude I have for my readers. No words.
I wish you all a summer in the sun, chasing butterflies, with the ones you love.