I dread the moments when I wake up at three o’clock in the morning.
Three o’clock in the morning was once spent stumbling home from a night out. A time of nightclubs, high heels, smudged makeup and a whole day ahead of me to sleep.
Three o’clock in the morning was more recently spent with a crying newborn, a toddler desperate for his mummy and a husband fast asleep. Battling the minutes till it became day and I could ring my mother to come and help.
Three o’clock in the morning now, is when I unsettle. When I seem to have slept enough to notice things around me and stir. It is the time when the house is completely silent. It is the time when all I do is think. Overthink.
Three o’clock in the morning is when I lose confidence in myself.
Somewhere in the silence there is a voice that speaks. The voice is mocking and vibrates through my subconscious. The voice tells me that I am not good enough. That I don’t spend enough time with my boys. That I don’t give enough time to my family. The voice is repetitious, insisting that I am wasting my time writing this blog.
The voice is relentless and confident. The voice battles with me. The voice destroys my courage and leaves me wishing I was asleep. I find myself giving in to the voice. I find myself believing the taunts and hissings. At three o’clock in the morning I do believe that I am not good enough.
Three o’clock in the morning is when I make decisions. I make decisions to stop writing my blog. I make decisions to cancel our holiday. I make decisions to cancel my birthday.
Three o’clock in the morning breaks me down. I break down into pieces of myself that I do not like. The fragments that I become are pieces of me that I do not recognise.
I dread the moments when I wake up at three o’clock in the morning.
The voice that echoes leaves me feeling unhappy, unsettled and sad for most of the next day. I don’t know how to win my battles at three o’clock in the morning. I don’t know why I have the battles. But I know for now, the battles keep coming. For now, my only saving grace is that three o’clock in the morning eventually passes. Sleep comes again. Decisions that I have made have changed again by morning.
But I am left with the unease, wondering when three o’clock in the morning will see me awake again.
