I cannot begin to define the year that has passed. If I did, I feel that my words would only reduce the significance of so many important events and moments to mere words on paper, a two dimensional memory and nothing more. I wish I could write that this year has been defined by my clarity. But it has not. I wish I could write that this year has been defined by my confidence. But it has not. Name my egos, for there are many. Name my insecurities, for there are even more.
The year can be defined by the brief moments when I took control and stopped listening to the doubt, the what-ifs and the endless possibilities of failure and just took a chance. The moments were few and fleeting, but the exhilaration from them is something that defines me.
The exhaustion that I feel as this year ends surpasses most of the other years. My mind aches for a break. My feet crave to feel the sand and the waves. Standing on the water’s edge, breathing in the salt filled air is something that I need right now. I need to read books, play and chase soccer balls with my boys. I need to feel like I am not stealing time.
I have a good feeling about next year. As if the arms of the angels have come down and closed in on me giving me solace and respite. I feel that somehow things are only still at the beginning, but this beginning is so much more empowering than any others. I am not one to write goals or have words to live the coming year by. But I do have dreams and hopes (and maybe a few plans). I will start the New Year as I hope to live out the New Year, having faith in myself.
Believing in ourselves, rising above the shadows of doubt and quietening our own voice of betrayal is something truly powerful and yet something very hard to do. Learning to feel and appreciate our own self worth something even harder. But these are things that I will work on.
Writing for me is now like air, I cannot live without it. So I am grateful that the words keep bubbling at the surface waiting to be written. Thank you for your support, oh I know the cliché can kill you, but it is so true. I feel energised by the comments left here and the support over on my Facebook page. I guess that is what gives me hope the most; that we are all the same. That we are united together through stories, memories and moments that are captured. Whether it is through words or through images, these are the links that define our generation and create the blueprint of what we will leave behind.
So I will be conscious of that blueprint and try and guide my decisions and actions by it. I do not want to be remembered as someone who stole time. I do not want to be remembered as someone who simply consumed moments, memories and people. We often forget the people. They become just another story, another update, another tweet, another photo, another criticism stolen from reality for that brief moment of fame. But without the people, we would have and be nothing.
Guided by my instinct and following my heart I will always believe that the possibilities are endless. And with a bit of luck, in the New Year I will learn to make time my friend and not someone I am constantly stealing from.
My mind and my aching feet will seek respite over the summer. My blog will have new posts again in the New Year. Till then I wish you all a summer in the sun, indulging and spending time with the ones you love.
And for those who like to plan ahead (I know I do!) Conversations over Coffee will be back in 2014, with the first link up happening on Thursday January 30, 2014 ~ the theme is Conversations with My Best Friend x