Pieces of Me

Three o’clock in the morning

I dread the moments when I wake up at three o’clock in the morning.

Three o’clock in the morning was once spent stumbling home from a night out. A time of nightclubs, high heels, smudged makeup and a whole day ahead of me to sleep.

Three o’clock in the morning was more recently spent with a crying newborn, a toddler desperate for his mummy and a husband fast asleep. Battling the minutes till it became day and I could ring my mother to come and help.

Three o’clock in the morning now, is when I unsettle. When I seem to have slept enough to notice things around me and stir. It is the time when the house is completely silent. It is the time when all I do is think. Overthink.

Three o’clock in the morning is when I lose confidence in myself.

hyacinth, purple, no sleep

Somewhere in the silence there is a voice that speaks. The voice is mocking and vibrates through my subconscious. The voice tells me that I am not good enough. That I don’t spend enough time with my boys. That I don’t give enough time to my family. The voice is repetitious, insisting that I am wasting my time writing this blog.

The voice is relentless and confident. The voice battles with me. The voice destroys my courage and leaves me wishing I was asleep. I find myself giving in to the voice. I find myself believing the taunts and hissings. At three o’clock in the morning I do believe that I am not good enough.

no sleep, candle, hyacinth

Three o’clock in the morning is when I make decisions. I make decisions to stop writing my blog. I make decisions to cancel our holiday. I make decisions to cancel my birthday.

Three o’clock in the morning breaks me down. I break down into pieces of myself that I do not like. The fragments that I become are pieces of me that I do not recognise.

I dread the moments when I wake up at three o’clock in the morning.

candle, no sleep

The voice that echoes leaves me feeling unhappy, unsettled and sad for most of the next day. I don’t know how to win my battles at three o’clock in the morning. I don’t know why I have the battles. But I know for now, the battles keep coming. For now, my only saving grace is that three o’clock in the morning eventually passes. Sleep comes again. Decisions that I have made have changed again by morning.

But I am left with the unease, wondering when three o’clock in the morning will see me awake again.

  • Yes I can relate to this one. It took me a while after my last daughter started to sleep through to stop waking at crazy hours of the morning. And I would lie there and think, overthink. Everything seems magnified at 3 o’clock. I used to judge myself and battle with my thoughts. It did pass though, I hope it does for you too. Now when I wake at 3am my mind wonders with stories of fiction, and that’s okay.

  • Lee

    Unfortunately, birthdays can’t be cancelled. We can cancel the celebrations thereof, but the dastardly little things relentlessly sneak up on us, gaining speed as the years go.

    It’s always in the wee small hours that one’s mind goes into overdrive. Sometimes, I feel those midnight and early morning hours are our most creative time…the strong desire to go back to sleep takes over (particularly when you have small children)!

    So many battles to contend with; firstly, whether to stay in bed in an effort to force one’s self to go back to sleep again (and that always stirs the pot); or should we get up to make a hot milk/cocoa/milo in the hope same will act as a gentle, soothing lullaby.

    Decisions, decision and more than often than not we choose to continue the fight for sleep, over the hot milk. We never learn; and, at that hour of the night the kitchen always seems further away from the bedroom!

    I did notice amongst your books there is a shade of “Shades”…that’s pretty entertaining early morning reading! No wonder you can’t get back to sleep! 😉 I couldn’t sleep until I finished the trilogy!

  • Sophie Allen

    I find things seem so much worse at night. It’s not easy when you can’t sleep, and cant escape those feelings. It is so easy to let so much doubt take over when there is nothing else going on in your mind, no distractions, just the dark of night and your own thoughts.

  • Shari

    I get it Josefa, truly do, and my wish for you tonight is a solid sleep where 3 o’clock can give you a break! x

  • I can totally relate to this. Those thoughts that swirl in the darkest period of the night/early morning hours. I hope you don’t have to go through too many of those 3am dark times and that when you do you continue to wake up and remember that they are thoughts best left to 3am and not carried through the day. xx

  • bachelormum

    3:00 in the morning is when you are totally exhausted and craving natural sleep. Be kind to yourself and recognise this – it’s the depleted you that is talking yourself down. We all feel like that when we’re sleep deprived. You are fine darling x

  • mumabulous

    I think we’ve all been there. I know I certainly have. By best advice is to try and focus in the moment. Use this time as a time of meditation. Enjoy the stillness and the quiet in the house. Its easier said than done when there is so much white noise swirling around in your head but its worth a try.

  • Alicia O’Brien

    The tired mind is cruel. Tomorrow is another day, leave the thoughts behind, they belong in the dark, where they came from.

  • Catherine RodieBlagg

    We all have that voice that tries to bring us down, it comes in many forms. You know what? that voice is lying to you. I wont bother telling you to ignore it. But you can start telling yourself “I AM GOOD ENOUGH” louder and louder until you can’t hear anything else and you go back to sleep knowing with the truth ringing in your ears xx

  • bodyandfeetretreat

    When I battle to sleep I turn the clock around so that I can’t see what the time is – then I do some belly breathing and try to focus on NOTHING – as thought come into your head just acknowledge them and let them go. IT is hard work but the benefits are so good !!! You are totally worth the effort.

    I hope that you find some way to sleep through the night soon because sleep deprivation won’t be helping those thoughts either.
    Love, hugs and positive energy !
    (Popping over from FYBF)

  • Tracey @ Bliss Amongst Chaos

    Gosh, it could be me that wrote this post. I am a terrible sleeper, and once I’m awake I start thinking and all the worries set in. All I want is to sleep, but every night the same thing. I have no trouble going to sleep as I’m so tired, but I just can’t stay asleep. If you find a solution, please let me know! 🙂

  • Renay@Mummysmiracles

    I find that since I have had my girls, that sleep is never peaceful anymore. Even when they are snoozing away, I wake and think and think and then I’ve been awake too long and can’t get back to sleep so I think and think some more. And it’s always at this time that my mind is unreasonable. You’re not alone on this one, I promise 🙂

  • The Camera Chronicles

    Being a “thinker” is good but sometimes it’s just overwhelming and no time is worse than in the dead of night with nothing other than our thoughts to distract us. Sometimes I drive myself crazy thinking about this and that…hope you sleep through your 3am’s or at least that they pass quickly x

  • Grace

    It can be so relentless that voice too. It continues to niggle away at us, convincing us that it’s telling us the truth. But it’s not. I ignore those voices whenever I can by saying my own little mantra “I am enough…” I just keep repeating it…That and keep breathing. x

  • Twitchy Corner

    Ah blast that time. Someone recently explained to me why it is 3 o’clock that these things happen- there are biological reasons for it as some have hinted below. It did this to me too, and I would lie in a panic, wondering if everyone was okay, especially my grandparents who are very old now. I used to do my own head in and I was never right about that stuff. Keep going, three o’clock is not telling the truth.

    • yes, my husband tells me that – that three o’clock isn’t telling the truth – trying to get better at battling past three o’clock and not letting it get the rest of my day

  • It’s two o’clock for me. I dread waking at 2am to find my son hasn’t yet stumbled home from his night out, because I then spend the rest of the morning tossing and turning and worrying about him. Who knew?

    • oh my goodness, three o’clock has played this scenario out for me too! and my boys are only little!

  • I used to wake awake at night worrying. An overworked brain and an exhausted body just wanting sleep but just would not surrender, sounds like your 3 o’clock. Perhaps you have too much going on at the moment and once you have offloaded some of it, you will find peace and no longer see 3 o’clock. I hope you can sort it out soon.

  • Amelia L

    Josefa you’re an amazing individual with ample amounts of strength, wisdom and beauty. This is just one phase in your life; it will eventually pass. x

  • I’m awake at 3 fairly often myself. It’s a very tiring time. x

  • My favourite quote: Feel the fear and do it anyway! These thoughts are not worth your time and energy.

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