A new year and it feels like a barricade has gone up in my mind with a bright neon sign – “wrong way go back.” The imaginary hazard tape protecting the peace and tranquillity of the summer and stopping me from getting caught up in the crazy faced pace madness that defined last year. It is a weird place to be.
My year has started with Operation House. De-cluttering rooms, cleaning out wardrobes, getting new storage put in. It is one huge task and one huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to de-clutter the house last year. But work, life and commitments got in the way of getting started, let alone getting anything done. It feels good to have started. It feels even better watching the mess and chaos melt into clean space and order.
Operation Birthday is under way. AJ and PJ celebrate turning 7 and 5 within a month of each other, with AJ’s birthday now only four weeks away. Keeping my birthday-party-planning-anxiety in check is something I am working on. It is a little bit crazy how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to my boys and their birthdays. One day that may change, till then I will keep trying to balance realistic with awesome. Perhaps I need more of that hazard tape?
I guess reading this it may seem that I am far from slowly easing back into the flow of the year; it may seem those birthdays and jobs around the house are keeping me very busy, but they are not. Operation Surrender is keeping things in check and making sure that I am off to a slow start. I have always held onto life with white clenched fists. Plan everything. Organise everything. Take care of everything. It really does wipe me out. By the end of last year I was a walking shadow of myself. Dragging through the pages of one day and then the next, crawling on my knees through to the last page of the year, relieved that it was over. Not this year.
Life is far greater than anything I can plan or prepare for. Life is far greater than anything I can anticipate. Letting go of my need to always be in control, total control, is something that will be at the forefront of my mind. I will want less. I will need less. I will believe more. Believe that the universe has me covered, it always has. Listen to that inner voice more, allow it to keep me in a place where I continue to trust that it is taking care of me and always has taken care of me. I will surrender to expectations, especially my own.
So I am trying to fill my days with more pauses, more moments of appreciation and less anxiety. I am trying to switch off from the things that drain my energy and instead focus on those that fill me with energy. I am trying to surrender to faith.
How have you started your year? Have you started as you mean to go?
What do you hope for this year?