Each time I have sat down to write the words to describe the narrative of this year, I am at a loss. The words suspended almost, like I am not quite able to reach them, dance with them and put them down to complete my sentences.
The year itself has felt that way for the most part, a year of many questions and few answers. Answers that hover above the ground, fixed in a time space continuum that do not allow me in.
So much has happened this year. The enormity of it escapes and surpasses feeling overwhelmed, as you would expect. Instead all that has happened has drowned in its own magnitude and now feels weightless, in a small way, like none of it ever did happen or even exists at all.
I am left feeling a deep sense of beginning as this year ends, despite how contradictory that must sound. The feeling of letting the flow of possibility back in and the surrender to that flow.
I once believed that being open to possibility was something akin to a door, a door that you could either open or close. But this year has taught me that possibility is not at all about being open or closed. It is about flow. The flow of your energy, your sense of self, your mind and your hearts desires to that possibility. To breathe and let it flow through you, with you, move you, shake you and surrender you to its infinite greatness.
I end this year thinking about my hearts desires. I imagine an old room, a grand window spanning to the ceiling, two armchairs either side of the window and the afternoon setting sunlight casting shadows across the far wall. I sit on one arm chair and my hearts desires on the other. We sit in the silence of all-knowing. Except I can only catch glimpses of that all-knowing. Tiny fragments that dance off the smile of my hearts desires.
I have spoken about my inner voice many times. An inner voice I seek guidance from, reassurance from and hope from. I am starting to believe that my inner voice and my hearts desires are best friends. Soul mates even. A partnership that if I could completely surrender my ego and let the walls I so dutifully build collapse around me, could open the path to so much more than I can imagine in my capacity now.
In the capacity of all that we can be, I think we allow ourselves the chance to be so very little. The side tracks of life are many, neon road signs and empty promises often entice us and before we know it we are caught up in the mundane, the tedious and the draining. Cutting those ties, ignoring those flashing signs will always offer us so much more.
I always end the year craving summer. I crave being free from the binds of a routine life that consumes almost all of the year. I can already imagine standing at the water’s edge. Here is where I can allow the connection back into my life, the connection between the Universe, the Earth and me. Standing at the water’s edge it is hard not to believe in endless possibility as I gaze out at the ocean and endless sky.
My mind is already there, my body merely going through the paces to join it in the sun and where feet sink into the sand. Often people say that the best is yet to come, maybe the best is about to happen now. Maybe the best is already happening?
Thank you to everyone who has reached out and joined in the community that gathers here. Gathers around my words, my ideas, my silences and my journey as I slowly seek a path that I feel defines me. We make mistakes, we have our triumphs and with each step I only find myself humbled by the respect and support that is shown by all of you. May the festive season bring blessings to you and your family, may you find time to reconnect with the ones you love and find time to reconnect with your own inner voice and hearts desires.