Pieces of Me

Challenge

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As I sat by the ocean I craved for my heart to beat in rhythm with my mind, searching for a sense of lightness. Juxtaposed against the sand and the sea, I was part of something far greater here. Watching the sun dance on the water, the glistening reflections seemed like tiny ballerinas pirouetting on the thin and delicate surface. The deep blue and green hues, in their slow swirl and constant motion, kept my gaze transfixed. My thoughts tumbled over and over on themselves.

Even here it was hard to listen to all the voices. The voice of ego in my head was loud, yet the voice of my heart was soft and meek. I drew my arms in tight, vulnerable and exposed as the breeze passed through me. With each crashing wave, I imagined all the weight and burden inside me being drawn out to sea. Envious of the seagulls that soared overhead, envious of all they could see from up high, I realised why I came here. Here I could try and see things differently, try to shift my perception.

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Our first year of marriage started with the picture perfect wedding. Then fell into pieces. I clung to my stubbornness to do everything and be everything. Unwilling to admit even for a moment that maybe I was wrong.

I forgive you, whispered the ocean.

The first few months with AJ were impossible. Exhaustion was my only certainty. With each unbearable night I would glove up like a prize fighter limping into the ring to slay out twelve hard championship rounds.

I forgive you, whispered the ocean.

The year when we went from having it all, to almost having nothing left. Looking for a rental house to buy one weekend and facing a redundancy the next. The black wolf of depression was juggled with one bad choice after another, piled high into a mess of debt.

I forgive you, whispered the ocean.

The fresh salt air slowly filled my lungs and unfurled like whispers of smoke in my body. Holding on to my exhale, I stood at the shore, closed my eyes and set fire to the burning fear and doubt. Methodically, I unzipped myself from the itch and the unbearable scratch of past decisions. The perception that I was asphyxiated by expectation and obligation began to shift.

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The voice in my heart became a loud and clear crescendo.

Our first year of marriage was the foundation that has given us ten years together.

The first few months with AJ broke down the coldness in my heart and gave me the chance to love my son in a way I had never imagined.

The year that nearly tore our life into pieces was the year that taught us what was most important – each other.

Across the ocean, the words echoed in my heart. The walls I so dutifully built over many years started to fracture, light streaming through the splinters. While I may have felt that my mind was bound and smothered, it was only by the chains of my own perception. Like a sandcastle being taken out with the tide this once strong and steadfast perception was being swept away in submission.

The choices I had made do define me. Yet, they also are an opportunity to keep redefining myself. I embraced these choices. Let them wash over me. Realising the only challenge I ever face is to be open to my vulnerability and humble enough to seek my own forgiveness. For it is only through this forgiveness that I can hope for a new perception and the chance to move forward.

Far across into the horizon, the hues of blue and green diffused so that sky and sea seemed like one. I had found my sense of lightness. In a whisper I vowed to always try and live through the voice of my heart. As I cast this promise to the ocean, challenge was set free to the wind.

“Challenge” was first published on Kidspot. It was my third  post as a finalist in the Personal and Parenting category of the Voices of 2014 competition. You can view the post here.

  • Loree

    Beautiful words and images. There is nothing more liberating than casting your fears and insecurities into the ocean. It heals all.

  • Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me

    Just like Loree said below, beautiful words and beautiful images. I love how you weave your images into your post to help tell your story. I’m so glad you’re in a good place right now. The ocean is my special place too. It can work wonders xx

  • LydiaCLee

    Really lovely, and great way to not have regrets…

  • Life is like a road map, we know where we want to go, but often we take the long way to get there. But it is the journey that makes us who we are. x

  • Beautiful images to compliment a beautiful post. Getting through a tough year is very defining, and as lovely as family life can be, it can also face us with the greatest challenges. x

  • Sooo beautiful, I had to read this twice. You are so strong and so beautiful inside and out. xx

  • CJ Smiles

    Just beautiful, it made me smile.

  • Beautiful as always Josefa, and I loved the yellow throughout. Who took your photos for you? They’ve done a beautiful job.

    • Hubby and I spent the morning at the beach that day and he was my photographer – absolutely love the images he has captured. Makes this post even more special to me

  • Such a symbolic thing isn’t it releasing things into the sky! Love the yellow, it’s so you. Precious words lovely x

  • TeganMC

    The ocean really is a great place to help center ourselves again. Beautiful words as always xx

  • Such beautiful heartfelt words + pictures…thank you lovely xox

  • Kaz @ MeltingMoments

    This gave me goosebumps. So beautifully written. The ocean is my safe place too.

  • THe pictures and words weave together to create a story. Magic.

  • Beautiful words and images. There is no better place to reset yourself than by the ocean x

  • I love the yellow!

  • Lovely photos… and themes of forgiveness and and renewal resonate here.

  • This is such a wonderful post. It resonates with me so much.

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