Four weeks ago when I set the next topic for #convocoffee I had no idea what the four weeks would hold. How can anyone know what the future holds? I set the topic based on a gut instinct, a passing moment that ‘just felt right’ to set the topic of letting go. Now I sit here and realise how significant the topic turned out to be.
Even if you have only been reading between the lines this year you would know that the year has been challenging at best for me and my family. These last few weeks have been no different. I have found myself more so now, than at any other time, asking the Universe what is the lesson you want me to learn from this? Sometimes even asking the question out aloud into an empty house, somehow hoping an answer will be spoken back at me.
But there has not been an answer. No magically voice beaming through the walls. Only silence. It is through that silence these past four weeks that I have realised that silence is the answer. I have been pushing through, breaking, crashing and running headstrong through the year. Once challenge, one heart break after the other. Never pausing to take it all in.
I guess you could ask why would you want to take in anything that causes heart ache? I think for me, dealing with everything, getting through it all, I have only pushed through, pushed everything past me. Daring not to soak it in.
But without soaking it in, without letting myself be completely present in everything that has happened, even if the questions remain unanswered, I will not be able to let go.
I feel to blame for so many things this year, even things I had no control over. I catch myself wishing I had done some things differently, wondering if that would have changed the course of events. Second guessing and not processing. Doubting and not believing.
The year has been trying to teach me many lessons, most of which have fallen on closed ears and a closed heart. Yet it is when we are at our most vulnerable that we can let go and the answers can flow in.
So I am trying my best to learn the lesson of patience. I am trying my best to learn the lesson of acceptance. I am trying my best to learn the lesson of trust. To trust in the greater love of God and the Universe and know that whatever the obstacle, whatever the plan, whatever the heartache I will be okay. The ones I love will be okay.
Even as I type these words I feel a sense of letting go. An eerie feeling of strands of heaviness drifting away from me through the air leaving a lightness of being as they go.
What exists instead of the heaviness, alongside the lightness I do not know yet and for now, that has to be enough. Letting go has to be enough. However long it takes.
Have you learnt to let go?
This is the last #convocoffee for 2015. I am in two minds whether Conversations over Coffee returns for 2016. I guess time will tell xx