Conversations over Coffee

Conversations with Change

I have always been afraid of change. I remember the night before the first day of a school year thirteen times over. Huddled under my doona wishing the summer holidays would last forever. Reluctant to even peep my toes out from bed, let alone face the doom of change that waited as a new school year commenced.

Nothing bad ever happened. No friends lost. No schools changed. If anything the change that came with a new school year was barely significant. But the idea of that change was enough to string my anxiety.

I have always been a creature of habit. Habit is good. Habit is safe. Habit is all knowing. Habit always has a happy ending.

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As the school years ended and the university years began to write their chapters I noticed that habit was becoming harder to keep hold of. On the grounds of a university, change walked the path not habit. University timetables, university subjects, university friends it seemed that every word penned at university was etched in change.

Nothing bad ever happened. The friends that did not change became lifelong friends.  The subjects that did not change became a career. The memories never changed. But here I was now in my mid-twenties still very much afraid of change.

I think the moment I knew something was wrong was on my wedding day. Only moments before I walked out the door at my parents’ house that morning I was paralysed by an anxiety attack. My feet wouldn’t move. My heart raced. At the time I thought it was all the pressure that had built up over two years of wedding planning.

Looking back now I realise I was about to step forward into one of the most significant changes of my life and part of me wanted to stay curled under the doona in bed where I knew it was safe.

Nothing bad ever happened. The wedding was a perfect fairy tale. The marriage is about to tick twelve years. The relationship is about to tick twenty. And in this time I have slowly learnt to make friends with change.

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Having my two boys unravelled any lingering fears I had of change. Unravelled them into the long nights spent with a baby crying in my arms. Unravelled them in the moments I lay in bed with my two sons staring at their faces in disbelief that they are mine. Unravelled them into the hard days where patience and strength had run dry.

Change is my strength. Change is my guide. I seek solace in the unexpected and trust my prayers in all that lies in wait. Change works to define us. Change works to encourage us. Change gives voice to our soul.

Nothing bad ever happened. For even in the moments when I thought all had fallen apart. Crumbled and disintegrated into moments of heart breaking despair. Change held the candle in front of me. Hope in the flickering light. Change the happy ending.

What is your relationship with change – do you hold it in fear or in faith?

 

Conversations over Coffee returns Thursday March 26, 2015.
Conversations with Magic ~ everyone is welcome.

Thank you to Where the Wild Things Were for next month’s prompt.


  • LydiaCLee

    I like that last paragraph. I am often saddened by change and sometimes scared. But I like that you point out it can be the new happy ending…

    • For a long time I have been both saddened and scared by change and I would like to think that I have opened up both my mid and my heart away from that thinking now. Without change – well I think without change we can almost be nothing?

  • I have joked many times in the past that I’m a Taurean and Taurean’s don’t like change. I’m most definitely a creature of habit too and change can throw a spanner in the works that puts me in a spin. Other times I crave change and challenge and long to try something new. I think these days I am becoming more open to change, but I need to approach it slowly and analytically 🙂 Beautiful post.

    • Being more open to change is a powerful place to be in, especially since habit and routine can feel so safe! Open heart, open mind that is my way forward and hopefully I can keep on being new friends with change xx

  • I still don’t enjoy enforced or unplanned change – at least while it’s happening – I’m usually OK with coping with change after it happens, though…

    Changes I initiate myself are easy-peasy and kind of exciting… don’t mind those! 🙂

    • Oh absolutely change we initiate ourselves is super exciting! Liberating and exhilarating even! Thanks for stopping by here John x

  • I think change may be my go to to escape! Can’t deal with something, I change. Job. City. Country. Furniture arrangement. Shelf arrangement. Oh dear. I’m good with change, but for the wrong reason!

    • Despite the reasons, I think change is good. Good for the spirit, the soul and the right now xx

  • I like change, generally. I’m happy to learn new things, do things differently, do them better!

  • writeofthemiddle

    I quite like change. It’s refreshing! I do prefer it on my own terms though, rather than forced onto me expectantly! If life stayed the same all the time I would be bored. Yep – I definately like change 🙂 x

    • Oh yes, an unchanged life is a boring life. Change the diversity we need to grow x

  • I have also come to embrace change. I feel it bring the unknown of lots of wonderful surprises. I suppose that is the rollercoaster of life!

    • I’m sitting here thinking that change controls the roller coaster now….hmmmmm….

  • Tonia Zemek

    Such a beautiful post and congratulations on learning to accept and embrace change – such a tricky thing to master. (Tonia, stopping by with #FYBF)

    • Thank you, accepting and embracing change – has a good ring to it doesn’t it?

  • A big mix of both. My life has been nothing but change and I seek comfort in things like rereading books, rewatching TV shows. But at the same time, I feel like I would get bored with life if it didn’t have so much change in it.

    • I like the idea of rereading books and rewatching TV shows – does the impact or the affect on you change the second time round? I wonder…

  • Change is scary – moving from the known to the unknown. It also often takes work – to learn something new or to adjust. But change can also be exciting, and for me it became easier to embrace change as I matured. The life experiences I had, the more I learned to accept change as a natural part of life. A bit like your post.

  • Natalie @ Our Parallel Connect

    I embrace it now. If I wake up in the morning and there is something I am dreading to do, I will do it first thing so I don’t waste all my energy thinking about it for the day. These things usually put me out of my comfort zone and change is required.

    • I really like the idea of getting something done first thing – out of the way – especially if you are dreading it- might take this on board my self Natalie xx

  • Having moved 22 times in my 40ish years, change is my reality, so much so I’ve probably made it my comfort zone by default.

    • I love the idea of change being your comfort zone, really love the idea. But 22 moves in 40 years! wowzers!

  • Parenting really does sort out any idiosyncrasies we might have doesn’t it? All is taken from our hands. We are at the complete mercy of the tiny little humans we hold and help grow.
    I think I cope well with change if I have time to prepare for it. I like to feel cool and calm during a transition and I prepare in advance so I can cope and master it x

    • We are at their mercy Vicki! Love your attitude to change and I especially love the word transition, perhaps that is what life really is? Not so much changes, but transitions?

  • I find change a moveable feast. Sometimes, I’m cool as a cucumber and others I’m a raving lunatic. I think it has to do with how much choice I have in the matter and how prepared I am. Great post. Thank you x

  • I like change that I see coming, that I choose, that I am ready for. Unexpected or devastating change…well that can get stuffed 🙂 I have to say, I’m somewhat a creature of habit, and then I get bored, then something changes and I sometimes wonder what was wrong with habit lol

    • I think devastating change is something none of us can anticipate or want in our lives, but the rest, well I think a little bit of habit and a little bit of change mixed in can be a good combination x

  • Emily M Morgan

    I think I was always a bit afraid of change, and in denial about it at the same time. But then I had kids and found that change was part and parcel of it all. Just when you think you have a routine working, you suddenly find that they start to learn a new skill or some other change happens and you have to find your feet all over again. I have found it exhilarating, if a little tiring.

    • I really like the idea of some change being exhilarating, even if perhaps it can also feel exhausting. Children come tied up with a little bow of change don’t they?

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