Conversations over Coffee

Conversations with Love

Walking into the hospital seven years ago, more so waddling and struggling with the idea that I was about to be induced into the labour of my first child, my mind was awash with so many questions. Questions that played over and over in a cycle stuck on repeat. I had no idea how to become the mother I was about to be. I had no idea how much of me would change that day.

I have talked about the haze of early motherhood, the difficulty of the first night and the many long nights that came after that first one. But I have rarely spoken about how hard it was to love in those early days. The love I had for my boys was an instinct, unconditional, over whelming and all consuming. Yet, it seemed that love drained the love I had for my marriage and myself.

Slowly I am learning that love is everything in life. It is the centre of who we are and why we exist. But for those foggy days of early parenting love felt like it was being lost in my day to day. That love was too hard to manage with sleep deprivation, teething babies and mother guilt. In those early days it really did feel like the marriage and relationship I had with my husband before our boys was disappearing forever.

Conversations with Love

Then something changed; nothing monumental, nothing stark, just slow, gradual and subtle changes to our day to day. Babies became little boys, sleep came back and what once felt like overwhelming mountains of exhaustion became a memory. That is when the spark came back. Now this was no Hollywood movie scene spark. Just little things that very slowly helped me remember how important love was, the love for my husband and not just my boys.  How important the relationship I had with my husband was to me and who I was.

I have grown up in a family where my parents have always worked hard at their relationship. Always emphasising how important loving each other was. That was my rock, something I always knew I could count on and something I wanted for myself. Now it is something I am learning to do again, falling in love with my husband and really making this marriage work.

During those first few years of parenting I thought it was all falling apart. But that was not the case at all. Our love simply changed, I changed and I am learning a new found respect for the love and marriage I have now. Date nights, watching TV together, a glass of wine in bed and actually having conversations not just about parenting.

Conversations with Love

That is what I want for my boys, to look at our marriage as their rock. To know that the love their mum and dad share is everything they need to count on. To see that love is not lost, but that love changes and is dynamic. And that it is always worth fighting for.

Has the love in your relationship changed since you became parents?

The next Conversations over Coffee link will open on
Thursday March 27, 2014

The theme is Conversations with Expectation ~ everyone is welcome x

  • LydiaCLee

    It changes constantly, I think sometimes it changes because of the kids, but often that is also what binds you (and I mean that in a ‘us’ against ‘them’ which happens as the kids get older).
    I think it’s good for the kids to realise you are a couple, not just beings there for them…

    • That is exactly what my parents taught us – that they are a couple and not just there for us – it is a lesson I have carried forward with me in life and something I want to model for my own boys xx

  • Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me

    Beautifully written, Josefa. You could have been writing about us 🙂 Our relationship has definitely changed. It’s changed for various reasons .. as a result of the kids and because we’re getting older and want different things out of life. I often worry and wonder if I’m giving my husband the amount of love and attention he needs/wants. It is hard when the girls, so young, seem to take up everything I’ve got. I too want to be a rock and an example for our girls. I’m sure we’ll all make it. It just takes work xx

    • It does take work, but it also takes a certain amount of hope and trust – trust that the love that started your journey together, will get you through this journey together. You are their rock Renee and they will always love you for that xx

  • You have given me hope Josefa. I am in the early mummyhood haze. You really do notice the little things that remind you we are not just passing ships in the night. This life we created came from love. My post for today also reminds me of this. I love your post very beautiful as always.

    • Oh I remember the haze and the passing ships – it was exhausting! I’m glad there was some hope in my words, because ti does pass and things start to feel like the sun is shining on them again xx

  • Chantel

    I agree that it is one of the most important things for your kids to see is a respectful, loving relationship between their parents – obviously some people part, but that respect is so important. My parents modelled such a strong relationship for my brothers and I and I want to do the same for my son. Our dynamic definitely changes all the time, but it changes as we need it to and I think that is the most important thing! Love your writing xx

    • I honestly think that on my wedding I was in the haze of thinking that the love we shared would stay the same – but now I realise that because it has changed and since it is so dynamic makes it all the more powerful – and it will always be the most important thing xx

  • Yes…as you will read in my post – so much changed. We have to work harder now. But I think we are a rock for our kids. Lovely post Josefa, and I think many will relate. Thanks for hosting. xx

    • There is something special about being that rock and something very privileged about it too, thank you for joining in Zanni x

  • That haze. It feels like it will never end. You don’t realise that what feels like days and months and years is sometimes just days. Or even hours. (And it would make you cry if you did!)
    Love changes. Absolutely. For so many reasons. Thanks for hosting Conversations with… I was hoping to write a new post for it, but it just hasn’t happened this week.

    • No need for a new post, when your post was just perfect. Love changes, I think that is the part we should expect – not that is doesn’t xx

  • You know we’re not quite there yet, with a 2-year-old as our youngest, we still are juggling 3 kids under 6 and it’s tiring. But we do make an effort, thanks to the pushing of my parents, to go and stay away for a night to rekindle and strengthen our love. My husband is the most patient and loving man I know, he is my rock and I can’t fathom being without him. Thanks for linky, Em (YLSED) suggested I join because my thankful post is about the love. xx

    • Your post brought tears to my eyes Em, I’m so grateful you did link up ~ thank you ~ and oh my goodness your little man is just cupcake adorable!

  • DreamingOfMalta

    It’s also hard when you go through post natal depression. My husband, who didnt know what was going on, knew we’d pull through. He is my rock. He is the most loving, patient, caring person. I feel so blessed. He is my angel sent from up above. Granted it takes work these days to keep the romance going as our three little girls want a piece of him too. He spoils them rotten. I thank God everyday that he is mine and being married to him is not hard work.

    Love your posts Josefa.

    • Thank you so much for joining this conversation, having a partner like that in your life is truly one of life’s blessings xx

  • Guest

    Always so insightful Josefa. A marriage is always a work in progress but should be a pleasurable learning journey, challenging at times (let’s be honest) but never a chore.
    Thank you for the opportunity to share today x

  • Whoops! That was me Josefa. Having quite a blonde afternoon 🙂

  • Kathy

    LOVE (excuse the pun) it. I think we should never lose sight of how our marriage/partner relationship is the most important relationship our kids will ever role model.

  • Bec | Mumma Tells

    You are the sweetest thing Josefa. This is beautiful. Change has most certainly occurred in our relationship post babes, and there are many times that my dear husband falls to almost the end if the priority list… I too am down the “wrong” end. It is one of those things were you get out what you out in. I just need to find something somewhere somehow to do it… It’s hard. But the things most worth it usually are. X

  • For us it’s stronger in many ways, but also takes more work. There are more things to add stress and argue over, but also our beautiful kids to bond us.

  • This is lovely Josefa. So honest. Our relationship has followed the same path in many ways. We’re slowly coming back to each other now, and in many ways it’s stronger, but different. Less light and flippant because there’s that undercurrent of deep love we both have for the girls. I didn’t know about your link up – I’ll try and get here next time. I find it hard to be as open in my posts, but beautiful writing like yours encourages me. xx

  • Mark Downey, Fullhalfglass

    A beautiful honest reflection. I was on the other end. Confused and hurt somewhat initially that the little one who had joined our twosome had taken my bride away from me. Just like you and yours we got it right in the end – but at times it was a close run thing

  • So lovely Josefa. I think that as you grow older and therefore so does your relationship that it changes, which isn’t a bad thing at all.

  • Great post. You truly do not realise the various types of love there is until you have children. Hubby and I have always agreed that there is nothing better for our kids then seeing a loving and respectful relationship in the home. It definitely gets tough at times and I have to remember that hubby is a person like anyone else and needs my sole attention too but I think its important to role model how to treat someone you love, through the good and bad times. Makes me want to go do something extraordinary for him right now!

  • Love this post. A glass of red and no discussion about parenting – sounds like a great Friday night! Things do certainly change…I do miss those big nights out dancing away but wouldn’t trade it for the world

  • Beck

    Such a lovely post, it can be very hard to maintain your relationship when kids come along…..It is something that I think we all go through and we all need to make an effort with….
    Have a great weekend lovely xx

  • Yep my relationship has totally changed. In the beginning in the midst of pnd I thought it was completely over. Now shes 7 months old the spark is returning for us too in tiny bits and pieces.

  • You always write so beautifully Josefa. I can so relate to this post. I feel like I am just coming out the other side of that all consuming love we have for our kids and I have a feeling this is going to be a great year for me and my Mr D. It’s kind of exciting actually xx

  • Brilliant, just brilliant Josepha. This is exactly how I feel now that my son is a little boy, 2 years old.

  • The Plumbette

    I think every mum can relate to this post. Yes my marriage has changed but it’s for the better and I love my husband even more fiercely now that we have children.

  • The love in our household and marriage is constantly evolving too. The relationship between hubby and I is definitely a world apart from the time before we had kids. We don’t have it all figured out yet, and sometimes I feel the ground under our feet is still shifting and moving as we try to navigate between being parents, husband/wife, partners, best friends and so on. But as you say, it’s all worth fighting for

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